• "I've got an eye test at Barnard Castle this afternoon"

  • "Someone gave me Ronaldo's 2002 World Cup haircut, and I'm too embarrassed to be seen in public"

  • "I dropped a can of Branston beans on my big toe. I think it’s broken."

  • "I ate an apple seed and now I'm worried an apple tree will grow inside of me"

  • "I'm having an affair and their partner just came home. So, I'm hiding in a cupboard until further notice."

  • "I married an American actress and now we've both been forced to move to California"

  • "I've got food poisoning from eating dodgy chicken. Probably shouldn't have cooked it from frozen."

  • "Chelsea have just signed me to play for them. I know, another new player!"

  • "I've got a spot the size of Ben Nevis. No way am I going outside."

  • "There's a snowstorm specifically in my area only"

  • "Say nothing all day and claim you had it booked as annual leave when you go back tomorrow"

  • "I can't remember where I parked my tricycle"

  • "I've just blown up on TikTok and now I'm becoming a #influencer"

  • "My door handle fell off so I'm trapped inside my house"

  • "I'm going on strike. Everyone else is, so why can't I?"

  • "I had a hair dye disaster while trying to cover up my greys"

  • "I've got something stuck up my bum. I don't want to talk about it."

  • "My toe is trapped in the bath tap"

  • "I was watching something dodgy on my work laptop and now it's frozen"

  • "I've been living a double life as a secret agent, and I've just been called to Afghanistan"

  • "There's a spider in my house and I'm not leaving until it's gone "

  • "My partner bit me in a delicate place"

  • "I got arrested so I'm calling you from jail. What a waste of my one phone call!"

  • "My commute was cancelled due to a volcano erupting in Iceland"

  • "I thought it was the weekend"

  • "I / my partner is actually pregnant and just gone into labour. We're as surprised as you are!"

  • "I was mistaken for someone else and am now being held captive"

  • "My goldfish has given birth, so I need to babysit"

  • "I injured myself fighting off six armed robbers in my home last night"

  • "I'm a member of Just Stop Oil and I'm currently glued to Big Ben. It's making me pretty dizzy."

  • "I'm feeling a bit tired after completing an ultramarathon"

  • "I've just been appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer"

  • "I hit my head and I can't remember where the office is now"

  • "I'm going on a reality TV show to raise awareness for dyslexia"

  • "I got stuck under the bed while trying to scare my kid"

  • "I've tested positive... for being a stone cold legend!"

  • "I'm moving to LA to wait tables as I look for my big break as an actor"

  • "I was told by the universe that I should take the day off. Can't argue with that, really."

  • "I've just been cast as the next James Bond... at least according to reports"

  • "I've got diarrhoea and have been trapped on the toilet for two and a half hours"