"I've got an eye test at Barnard Castle this afternoon"
"Someone gave me Ronaldo's 2002 World Cup haircut, and I'm too embarrassed to be seen in public"
"I dropped a can of Branston beans on my big toe. I think it’s broken."
"I ate an apple seed and now I'm worried an apple tree will grow inside of me"
"I'm having an affair and their partner just came home. So, I'm hiding in a cupboard until further notice."
"I married an American actress and now we've both been forced to move to California"
"I've got food poisoning from eating dodgy chicken. Probably shouldn't have cooked it from frozen."
"Chelsea have just signed me to play for them. I know, another new player!"
"I've got a spot the size of Ben Nevis. No way am I going outside."
"There's a snowstorm specifically in my area only"
"Say nothing all day and claim you had it booked as annual leave when you go back tomorrow"
"I can't remember where I parked my tricycle"
"I've just blown up on TikTok and now I'm becoming a #influencer"
"My door handle fell off so I'm trapped inside my house"
"I'm going on strike. Everyone else is, so why can't I?"
"I had a hair dye disaster while trying to cover up my greys"
"I've got something stuck up my bum. I don't want to talk about it."
"My toe is trapped in the bath tap"
"I was watching something dodgy on my work laptop and now it's frozen"
"I've been living a double life as a secret agent, and I've just been called to Afghanistan"
"There's a spider in my house and I'm not leaving until it's gone "
"My partner bit me in a delicate place"
"I got arrested so I'm calling you from jail. What a waste of my one phone call!"
"My commute was cancelled due to a volcano erupting in Iceland"
"I thought it was the weekend"
"I / my partner is actually pregnant and just gone into labour. We're as surprised as you are!"
"I was mistaken for someone else and am now being held captive"
"My goldfish has given birth, so I need to babysit"
"I injured myself fighting off six armed robbers in my home last night"
"I'm a member of Just Stop Oil and I'm currently glued to Big Ben. It's making me pretty dizzy."
"I'm feeling a bit tired after completing an ultramarathon"
"I've just been appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer"
"I hit my head and I can't remember where the office is now"
"I'm going on a reality TV show to raise awareness for dyslexia"
"I got stuck under the bed while trying to scare my kid"
"I've tested positive... for being a stone cold legend!"
"I'm moving to LA to wait tables as I look for my big break as an actor"
"I was told by the universe that I should take the day off. Can't argue with that, really."
"I've just been cast as the next James Bond... at least according to reports"
"I've got diarrhoea and have been trapped on the toilet for two and a half hours"